Meditation: nurturing the relationship with your self

The other day, I met a man at the park. He shared with me how excited he was about wanting to start meditation. So, we had a chat about what he was looking forward to, and what meditation was all about. I find it curious that so many people want to try meditation. I think that some of the reason they haven't started already is that there are many different ideas about what meditation is. These different ideas can be confusing or off-putting for people. To me, a useful way of looking at it is building a relationship with your own self.

The keys to a good relationship are spending time together, being present, trust, openness, and being a good listener. When we think of all the relationships we have with people in our lives, and how much value we place on those relationships, isn't it strange that so many of us don't have a good relationship with our own self? Such a relationship could be a source of love, encouragement, wisdom, and companionship, but sadly, many of us don't have that.

There are reasons for that, of course. We live in an age of constant distraction and seemingly endless responsibilities. We face demands and social pressures on how we spend our time, and what we prioritise. Many of us don't spend time with our selves; we are constantly engaged in activities that bring us outside our selves. The result is that we are unfamiliar with our own thoughts, and for many of us, such thoughts are frankly uncomfortable and cause us to avoid the quiet intimacy of being alone with ourselves.

To remedy this strangeness is a great reason to start meditating, and it is a great way to start to understand what meditation is. Meditation is not the chanting of mantras or affirmations, it is not an interrogation, and it is not a forced discipline in which we tame a wild mind.

It is simply getting to know someone. Think of the people that are close to you. How well do they really know you, and how well do you know them? Who they are, really, as opposed to narratives of who they are, or what they mean to you. It is evident that we'll probably never get to know them completely, but we can get closer by spending time with them, listening, asking questions, empathizing, and simply noticing what they do and say. The way we build a relationship with ourselves is no different.

Once we learn this gentle art of self-listening, and self-observing, our own self becomes a source of companionship, wisdom, and love. And it is on this path of self-discovery that we learn to understand that the self is not limited to the ego's attachment to this physical or mental body. As such, meditation gradually becomes about our relationship with life itself. What better relationship could there possibly be to nurture and grow?

Namaste.

the yoga of building a wardrobe

In my recent unemployment and shift to a new house, I've taken on the task of building some storage in my upstairs bedroom. The bedroom is at the top of the house and has a slanted roof, so, nothing could really be bought for it. I built two wardrobes out of pine and melamine (the painted chipboard that is often used in IKEA furniture), and I have never gotten as angry and frustrated with a project as I did with this one. It was a perfect exercise of karma yoga. 


It is generally considered that there are four paths of yoga. Bhakti Yoga, the yoga of worship; Karma Yoga, the yoga of selfless action; Raja yoga, the yoga of discipline and control; and Jnana Yoga, the yoga of knowledge. These are described by Krishna when Arjuna asks about the superior path of yoga in the Bhagavad Gita (chapter 13). The destination of each path is the same, though each path may suit different people according to their disposition. But that does not mean that each path is mutually exclusive. 


In the west, we are most familiar with some aspects of Raja Yoga, which many call Ashtanga Yoga, with poses, pranayama, and meditation. In the asana practice of Raja Yoga, we put ourselves in different bodily positions, and align to the divine, learning to experience without the filter of our body identity, or learning to experience that selfless wonder of the absolute. In adopting different poses, we often learn things about ourselves - our desires, ambitions, perceived inadequacies, and through practice and understanding, eliminate them (this understanding of asana may not be common in the yoga studios of the suburbs, I know!). Similarly, Karma Yoga puts us in different situations in which we are able to learn about ourselves, and learn to practice selfless action.


I learnt about Karma Yoga in my first visits to ashrams in Rajasthan, India. During my stay, we would practice (pranayama, meditation, asana) in the morning, and in the evening would be lectures, songs, and prayer. For most of the day, however, we were doing ‘karma yoga,’ which involved work in the kitchen, the garden, and in various building projects. Whatever we did, we were encouraged to do with an open, giving heart. My parents brought me up in the same manner. While my childhood friends received pocket money for their chores, set out in timetables alongside their siblings, my parents told me to do the work out of love, with no need for reward. It was only until I left home and went to India that I understood their message. The beauty of doing karma yoga in an ashram is the company of other yogis. No work is too big or small, too dirty, or too boring. All work is done in good company, where all are doing the work without any aim of gain or ego-boosting.


Now, back to the wardrobe building. Karma yoga is a rather universal path that exists wherever one performs an action. The beginning of the frame built for the wardrobes started off wonky (I was using a protractor from a Christmas cracker for starters!), and as I built the frame, all the small errors started to multiply upon each other. By the time I put the frame together, it was all twisted and the doors didn’t want to stay on. Everything I tried to compensate for my mistakes didn’t seem to work all that much, and there were days that I wanted to give up and go lie down somewhere (and I did exactly that!). The two wardrobes took me about two weeks altogether, with a few rest days in between, and many trips to the local hardware store. It all came together at the end when I pulled everything apart and made it with correctly-measured angles. It was a journey of planning, self-doubt, regret, trust, and willpower. On some days, everything went according to plan, and on others, no amount of effort could make it right. In fact, misplaced effort and perseverance often led to making things worse. 


All this in a couple of weeks for a wardrobe is pretty great! I don’t think I even experienced the same range of inner turmoil in writing my PhD thesis, at least, not at the same rate. Every time something surprising came up from inside me was a chance to reflect on my subconscious inner state. Practicing this almost every day for a couple of weeks gave me the chance to have some regularity in the exposure to this inner state, and allowed me to find enjoyment and wonder in both the physics of the woodwork and the reactions of my emotions. Practicing karma yoga, the yoga of action, is simply a matter of bringing the right mindset to our work. In doing so, we learn to observe ourselves in relation to the work, and to cultivate the principles of trust, acceptance, and compassion. An important attitude to bring is to not be attached to the fruits of one’s work, but to let the work itself be a source of contentment. The result is an even-mindedness that is an immense help in being calm and seeing things clearly. 


While karma yoga can be applied to any work, the benefits will be more easily identifiable with physical labour, and with larger projects. Most discussion of yoga is on the elimination of the ego and the identity. In our current society, I believe that the act of creating physical work is very helpful for nurturing an identity that is aligned with the divine consciousness. We are often portrayed as passive consumers, rather than active creators. Such projects may include building furniture, building garden beds and growing vegetables, producing visual artworks, and knitting. Karma yoga can be applied to more subtle actions, such as washing the dishes, weeding the garden, cleaning and cooking, and to even more subtle actions, such as office work, programming, writing, and consulting. 


If we can learn to become even-tempered in all that we do, through trust, acceptance, and compassion, then the work becomes an act of love.

Learning to let go of how things 'should' be

I have recently purchased a new house and left my job of eight years. These are not events that happen very often, and independently they are very exciting. The house was an upgrade to the one I was previously renting, it is the first time I've owned a house, and the house is located in a suburb that has always attracted me. My job was never my dream job, and I had always considered it something that simply caught me at a time that I had no direction. I was able to complete a doctorate at this job, and leaving it behind allows me to find myself a new profession. These events were years in the making, and expectations were high. In the few weeks that these events have occurred, I often found myself comparing my lived experience to how I thought things should be in my mind.

I should have felt liberated to be free of landlords and rent inspections but I had bitter feelings towards the housing market and I was sad to leave my neighbour's cat behind (we have grown very fond of each other in the past couple of years). I should have felt happy that I've been given the chance to pursue a profession that I've considered for a long while, but I am feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of changing careers in my mid thirties. With six months until I can go back to study for my next life's chapter, I have so much free time after years of hard work, but without the structure of a day job, I'm unsure how best to use my time.

What I have noticed in this experience of experiencing, is that when I compare things to how I think they should be, I diminish and alter the way in which I perceive and interact with life. We carry around a lens that distorts life into couplets of opposites: what 'is' is reduced to whether or not it matches what should be; things become 'good' or 'bad,' 'pleasing' or 'uncomfortable,' 'this' or 'that.' But reality is often more nuanced.

In the times when I have slowed down and allowed myself time to reflect and feel my experience, everything becomes true, and the labels that my mind fixes on any given situation become meaningless. When my breath becomes settled and I feel the tingling of my skin and pleasantness of my being, there is no need for commentary or judgement. Everything that enters my awareness, pleasant, or unpleasant, is perfectly fine. At the same time, I can be both happy and sad, both lost and sure of myself. I am grateful for the practice and teachings of yoga that allows us to rise above comparisons, and instead see and accept things for how they are.

When we are in a position that is new for us, it is natural for us to ask: "Is this okay? Am I doing the right thing?"

When I was teaching yoga asanas to one of my students, she saw me looking at her, and asked "What am I doing wrong?"

We shared a laugh and I answered "You are trying to judge yourself. That's what you are doing wrong. Just feel how it is for you now."

If we can learn in the practice of postures to step away from comparisons towards the total experience of the body... if we can learn to enjoy new experiences for simply how they are, rather than how they 'should' be... then we can be free to enjoy life, however it comes to us.

In the Upanishads, it is said: “tena tyaktena bhunjitha.” Renounce and enjoy.